Car Rides and Doctor's Appointments
Josh (you're Dad) and I were riding in the car the other day, making yet another trip to the adoption agency. Last week a fingerprint card was missing, this week we hand delivered some other forms. Last night we spent hours putting the final touches on pages that we've spent writing for the acquisition of you. See, for the girls, we'd drop anything to ensure their wellness. How many nights have we spent letting dew gather on our brow from the humidifier near their crib, just to make sure they could breathe? How quickly did we rush to the doctor when something just wasn't quite right after Cora fell off her bed? How many prayers did we weave, worry stained, when she needed surgery, when Quinn had pneumonia, or when a cry turned out to be a false alarm?
We have three children. Through adoption we'll have more. I think people wonder at our motives. Our reasoning. A quote from our doctor the other day, "So you're adopting...and you have three kids under four already...you all must be crazy! If I were you I'd put on the breaks and travel."
I wonder if they see that what we're doing is a journey of our hearts. Some brave friends travel to Thailand. And while our travel isn't on foreign ground, it is a journey none the less. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I know that more children means being more busy. More involved. I understand that there will be even more events to attend, appointments to schedule. And maybe that seems like a burden. To me, oh Lord, I wish I could in words portray how it breaks me that I am not the Mommy by your side when you feel sick. That I don't yet get to be the one to take you to one more appointment. One more check-up. One more false alarm.
What I wouldn't do to catch your shed tears on my shoulder.
I miss you so much it hurts. We have a hole in our hearts the size of you.
So while I can't be the one to bandage your scraped knee, check for fever, or administer the ever-healing Mommy kiss, I frame my mind around our current adventures for you as equivalent to those that we run for our birth babies. Scanning marriage certificates is akin to filling out your preschool paperwork. Driving fingerprint cards across town is like that midnight trip to the ER. Reading parenting books is, well, like reading pregnancy books. This is our preparation for you. The way we make you a part of our every day.
Always and always,