Thirty-one days nearer what?
Even my #31days button, established at the beginning of October, tells of different anticipations. What I do understand and trust is that this - foster care - is still bringing us nearer to adoption in way that we can't fully see or understand yet.
It has taught my heart how to balance on an all but insufferable precipice. I can literally in the span of five seconds feel the gusts of ten tumultuous emotions, each staggering in their own way.
For example, when I look up from stirring the pot on the stove to see our three girls dashing around with our three foster-boys, in five beat's time there's: joy, motherly pride, hope, adoration, tenderness, tenderness turned melancholy, sorrow, heavy-hearted, dispirited, and yet then resolute. My heart feels a little like tightrope walking - leaning left and right, constantly seeking balance at center.
In a training this past week, one foster-mother described her feelings as 'always right here,' gesturing to the top of her throat. Every emotion not settling but rather simmering right at the top, ready to catch, ready to choke or fill you with laughter. Or both. Another mother said that her feelings changed 'not day-to-day' but 'minute and second-by-second.'
I don't mean to sound as though things aren't going well. They are. Remarkably so. However, when you know what we know about these children...it's a lot. It can weight you down. On top of it all, it feels as though we're living with them on borrowed time.
So what are we nearer? Adoption might not be physically more close, but I'm learning that each day in this is a step closer to the heart of God. Searing and stretching as it is, it's worth it. Every heart beat of the way.